I refuse to sink.
I recently got a tattooo behind my ear and kind of on my neck that is of an anchor. I had been thinking about getting this for months and I figured it was finally time. What better time in my life to get something that has so much great meaning to me. At least thats what I thought until I got all negative comments about it. I was actually really hurt by them. I dont think that many people understood what the meaning was beind it. Now that I actually sit down and think about it, its perfect of me and I couldnt be more happy with the way that it turned out. Like I said before, its an anchor, and its a constant reminder that I refuse to sink, and that a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor. This last year has been the biggest struggle ever. Take it how it seems, some know I am good at covering it up and others know that I cry just about everyday. But look, im still here, alive and kickin. Im not saying that this is the hardest thing that anyone could go through, because its not and im sure I will probably go through things much harder than this. Maybe its because im not as strong as most and i take things very hard. I like to think that I am strong and actually stronger than most because most dont have reasons to be upset. I do, im not going to lie, i truely think that people my age arent having as many problems as me, and ya know what, good for them. People can say im a big fucking baby and that I need to get over myself and believe me, I know some of you do say that. No one will truely know the way I feel. And Im okay with that. Everyone goes through points in their lives that make them question every little thing they have ever done. I am going through that point. But I am slowly learning to trust myself in the decisions I have made. Honestly no matter how miserably stressed I am at times, I couldnt see myself in a different place right now. Sometimes you have to be a non-conformist. I dont know if I actually would chose that right now but thats what I am stuck with so I better roll with it. No, I did not finish college by the age of 22, but thats ok, the world isnt going anywhere. And yes, I did get up and leave everything I ever knew. That was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I didnt even run back. I know there isnt much I have been able to do this last year. I have been sick off and on and finally am having surgery to fix some of those problems. Being sick has put the biggest bag on my shoulders. Between money and jobs and school, its hard doing it when you feel like crap. Im young and I just keep constantly reminding myself. So now I am a little over a week away from having 3 surgeries that I truely think will change my life. I need this.
